The Real Curse Of Band

I had to crawl my way out of the giant pile of Easter candy I'm living in to write this entry. You people don't appreciate the sacrifices I make for you... I mean, I could be eating chocolate right now.

Speaking of chocolate, I really hate the Easter bunny. I utterly despise it. Why? Because it means we get less chocolate. Imagine if, instead of dumb rabbits, the chocolate was simply made in large squares and rectangles. Solid, of course. It could be made faster, and we'd get more chocolate for our cash. But no, we have to have rabbits...

Still on the subject of chocolate, my brother actually had a fairly interesting theory about it. According to our (sadistic) martial arts instructor, pain is unbearable pleasure. Well, chocolate = pleasure, right? So, does that mean pain = unbearable chocolate?

Try and wrap your head around that one. I don't know how I live with these people...

Anyway, on to the main subject of this entry... the much-mentioned curse of Band, which I've been promising to do an entry on forever, but never got around to...

You know, it seems like people just don't understand Band these days. People either complain that she's an asshole, she's ass-kissing the staff, she's a fanatical loyalist of mine, or she's some third party that should be hated by everyone in general or so. None of those are true.

To truly understand Band, you must understand that 'Band' is a position, not a person.

You're probably wondering what the hell I'm talking about. Clearly, you need education on what a Band really is. And no, it is not a group of people making random noise, claiming it's art, making millions, and then spending it all on booze and sex until dying a few years later. Not that Band herself isn't spending millions on booze and sex. But that's another entry entirely (as are her hats and how she literally owns the bandwagon).

So, allow me to explain the essence of a Band...

1: For every site, organization, or any grouping of any kind, there is always a Band as a member of that group. This should be self-explanatory.

1a: Said Band can have any name, and it does not need to be related to the word 'Band'. I'm simply using the word 'Band' because that's what you're familiar with.

1b: There must always be a Band for every organization. If a Band is ever killed/quits/banned/etc, a new Band will take their place.

1c: One Band can fill the role of 'Band' for multiple organizations, but there can never be two 'Bands' for one organization. In other words, Bandaint could serve as 'Band' for both W-H and... we'll say Neopets, but Kasac cannot be 'Band' for Neopets, then, because Bandaint already is.

1d: The gender of a Band is irrelevant. It has been theorized that a Band inherently has no gender, or that one is simultaneously both genders and has no gender at the same time.


2: A Band dooms any group it is a member of, as well as anything it comes remotely into contact to. Allow me to use Bandaint's history as an example, to explain what is commonly known as the 'Curse of Band' among packs.

 Band originally joined as 'BlackRidge' after being referred by WDK. And she joined Raven-Woods. And we all know how that turned out... Well, actually, a lot of you probably don't, but I'm too lazy to explain it. Suffice it to say they died. Dramatically.

Thus began Band's pack whoring. Acrasia, Broken Souls, Kishwaukee, and many more - all with two things in common: Band joined them, and they are now dead. This isn't a coincidence - it's a demonstration of the effectiveness of a Band in dooming organizations. Although the time varies, the doom is sure.

This means that yes, W-H is doomed, as is every pack on it, etc. If you don't believe me, come back in 27 million years, and I guarantee W-H will be gone by then.

On a broader scale, this explains why nothing is eternal, and the planet, the human race, the universe, time itself... everything must have an end. This is because a Band is an equalizing force. Without one, nothing would ever end. We would have complete immortality, unable to die. Nothing began would ever end or be finished, because finishing a project is a form of ending it.

In other words, we would have hell on earth, because people would never be able to finish making chocolate for us, but we could not die from lack of chocolate.

3: A Band cannot be prevented from succeeding in dooming everything. Success is inevitable. A Band is an equalizing force of nature. Their existence is logically inevitable, as is their success. Without them, life as we know it could not exist.

Corollary: Any attempt to interfere with a Band is an exercise in futility, and, by its very nature, is doomed to failure by being associated with a Band.


4: A Band exists entirely independent of any other object in existence or nonexistence. This is to avoid a paradox that would be created if a 'Band' was a member of the group of 'Bands', which would mean that the group of 'Bands' would have a 'Band' in it, that would doom all 'Bands' to failure. By their very nature, there is no group of 'Bands', nor is a 'Band' part of any group with another 'Band' and still a 'Band'. Also, 'Bands' are naturally immune to themselves, and thus do not doom themselves, or their fellow 'Bands', to failure.

5: A Band is not an asshole. A true Band defies description by mortal words. Claiming one is an asshole simply does not do justice to a Band. You cannot compare the professionals to the amateurs. In fact, that comparison in itself is flawed - a closer, but still not entirely accurate, comparison would be that you cannot compare the gods to the nonexistent. There are no similarities; a Band is so far out of the league of anyone you would normally say is an 'asshole' there are not even words to express it.

6: A true Band is a verb. Not some random person on the street. Not even a superhero, or a supervillain. A true Band causes bitching just by being there. A Band doesn't have to want to. They don't even have to think about it. It just happens, as a natural side effect of dooming everything they come in contact with (and the result of #5). People don't like it. They bitch about it.

It doesn't make a difference. You may as well complain about the existence of time itself. There is nothing you can do, no matter how hard you try. Any attempt you make is doomed to failure. Even your perceived 'successes' are, in fact, failures - to stop you from doing better, discovering more, whatever.

You do not understand; you still do not grasp that which I am trying to impart to you. Everything you will ever do will fail. Your entire existence is pointless and irrelevant, and will affect nothing, for in the end, nothing is the only result of everything.

That is the legacy of a Band. That is what you are dealing with, what you cannot - will not - comprehend. You complain against a force that is older, greater than existence itself!

But you don't get what I am trying to tell you. You can't get it, because your attempt to understand is doomed to failure. Even my attempt to inform you of this is doomed to failure. Why, then, do I try? In truth, even I do not know. I have attempted the impossible and received the only possible result: failure. Perhaps it is because grasping the hopelessness of it all is beyond even my comprehension...

Even though you do not understand this, remember this one thing, and perhaps your dealings with Band will be easier.

Band is not an asshole.

Band is the asshole.